It is only when the instructor gently says that we are repeating the flow once over do I begin to reassess my decision of taking myself to a hot yoga session. The notorious power of the breath similarly seems questionable in reassuring myself that the heat is nourishing and not unbearable. I scan the room as I unironically bend my body in all directions in a bid to see if everyone else is responding to the sauna heat, or whether it is just me and my distant Irish genes struggling. The only way forward was to close my eyes and pretend the heat was an evening European sea breeze, and not just a poorly positioned mat placement from me. Right under the air vent, good work there Saz.
Why am I in a thirty-two degrees yoga session you may ask? I invite you to step backwards with me for some context.
It was in December that I realised spraying some budget vitamin D spray under my tongue each morning was not giving me the serotonin boost I needed. The thought of a cold-water shower and time in my head journaling filled me with dread rather than energising, affirmative inspiration. Simply put, the student life had quickly become unfulfilling. The winter semester decided to take me apart piece by piece – unravelling me so that all there was left was the choice to rebuild. I think my whole family can pin – point that me crying over a cup of tea and nachos in a pub on a casual Sunday (a rogue order there from the boys of the family) was a call for change. So, I did what most students do and went home, curled up and re-grouped with myself. In this moment of self-reflection, I aimed to make the year 2022 the year of I can and I will, across all areas of my life.
It was only in the comfort and familiarity of home that I was able to step into this sphere of perspective, drawing out the little and large complexities of newly adulting. I reflected upon the big and little nuances of adult life, like lost cuddles which no longer come from a mama each morning, and the inevitable weekly food shop. Sainsbury’s local – only this time I’m not dancing around the aisles placing treats in the trolley and aimlessly scanning the shop for the comfort of a sibling. No, a solo food shop is one big scanning for a sister that is not there, and an understanding of why my school run was narrated by mum asking us what we wanted for dinner. And Ruthie, if you happen to be reading this, I apologise for every morning saying, ‘babes up to you, something we can whack in the oven?’. And I am sorry for sighing when you said it was a chilli. Only now do I know that the supermarket can be a minefield – and perhaps you too were only yearning for a maternal force to tell you what to do. It is a weekly ritual which harshly reminds you that you are not in the bubble of home. And yes – the decision is up to you.
In my unpacking, it struck what this build up was all about. Being an adult (or attempting to be one) is the realisation that the day ahead lies in the hands of you. Which means, it is up to you to get up, make the bed and choose to have a good day – even on the days where it’s bloody freezing and the lectures quite plainly put are not top of your priority list. It is saying good morning to yourself when no one is there bringing you a cup of tea to slowly wake up with and comforting yourself with a sibling inspired pep talk when the online tutorial is now in person and your little legs just don’t know if they have the courage to walk there today.
I want to note here, that you always prove this narrative wrong. You do hold the courage, the strength and the self-compassion to act from a place of bravery. Although this bravery seems not always at first materialised, the courage it takes to carry yourself through these waves proves that the strength ebbs and flows within you. It is the very make up of you, the strength that holds space for you and your loved ones.
This is where I am going with all of this, I invite you to challenge yourself. The word challenge seems negative at times, one that perhaps doesn’t on the surface promote a nourishing, kind dialogue with yourself. But please, stick with me here, because I believe it to be imperative (as long as it is paired with self-respect and care).
See the word challenge itself urged me to reckon with and interrogate limits I myself had subconsciously wrapped myself up in – out of comfort and the longing to control. Well, you only have to listen to Mo Gawdat on Elizabeth Day’s How to Fail podcast to be so beautifully reminded that life is not to be controlled. And, if presence and a constant welcoming of our thoughts occurs, one is freed from this yearning to feed the desire within all of us to manage everything, from our schedules to our time spent with our loved ones. These limits differed weekly, but ultimately were completely to their core unjustified. They were feelings, which manifested into thoughts which materialised into limited actions. And this is when, I knew, just like I ensure to encourage and support a friend or a loved one – it was time I spoke to myself with grace, and re-work the narrative.
This is where the word challenge comes in. I challenged myself and continue to challenge the thoughts and feelings which arrive each day. See, I have come to the active decision that one can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time. There is such beautiful bravery in nurturing yourself on the days it feels a challenge to make it to the Sainsburys Local; a victory when you catch yourself changing the god damn script.
It is the interruption of thought patterns when your most aligned, grounded, loving self comes into play and says, ‘this is important to me, I am here, I am loved, and I am choosing to be present today’. And when this occurs, and all else falls away, the present moment really does reward. It is noticing and changing the discourse from a place of love.
It is doing things for you, it is getting that haircut, cleaning your space – being your future friend. I mean this in the sense that do active tasks that ease your future self. Take my favourite example of making your bed. So, when you finally make it up those four flights of stairs, finally home after that tricky tutorial, a clean room welcomes you rather than a white duvet and five blankets scattered across the mattress revealing the squirm of getting up and out.
This is when I like to think, you have the ability to become your own cheerleader, friend, mother, and all the other lovely things of life bundled into one. There is only one of you, one present moment at hand, and one life to lead. Why, oh why are we not talking to ourselves, comforting ourselves, challenging ourselves with some straight-talking love.
In the name of hot yoga, I got myself in those leggings, tied my hair in a top-knot, and I showed up. Me and the trusty water bottle, along with the rest of the group. It is here that I was able to acknowledge each individual in that yoga studio with me, and old friends of past experiences and different perceptions of the day at hand which they carried in with them. All this noise, yet here we are, moving and twisting our bodies in a bid to re-group. Yes, we are re-working that narrative one deep belly breath and puppy pose at a time. Here, worries dissipate, and we ground ourselves in an experience which moves us, nourishes us, grounds us in the knowledge that there is light, always.
And so, I shower myself in thanks over and over again for moving my body in the stifling heat (water bottle and all) for here, the teacher guiding the class interrupted my self-narrative with the sentence: ‘take time here to ground yourself in breath and love before we take ourselves and our bodies further than we have been before’. Challenge. It is beautiful that these inspiring, certain affirms can not only come from us, but from our peers. From people who are mere strangers yet are able to plant seeds of assuring love in our hearts. And knowing, that yes, adulting in all forms is the realisation that you can depend on yourself and the beautiful masterpiece that you are, whilst also borrowing paints of strength and love from others to complete your piece along the way.
So, challenge yourself. I promise you that you will be rewarded. This is the one fact I know to be true.
Sarah Dooley
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